I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 00:20:56 GMT

Most posts are friends only.
Comment to be added.

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 03:02:36 GMT

I don't really write anymore.
I don't mean post on my journal.

I used to write. Poetry, or thoughts, or arguements. I loved writing and expressing myself. Somewhere along the way, between heartbreaks and parties, I lost my creativity. I lost my voice.

I think I've dumbed myself down a lot, and I hate that I've done it. I was so proud of how smart I was/am, and somehow I've let all of that go away and now I'm just a drunken mess most of the time. Or I watch TV. I don't think, I don't create. I want to create.

I have so much that I wished for when I was younger, but I'm letting my mind go to waste. I'm not studying, I'm not reading. I'm doing nothing. I had such high goals and aspirations but I've let all that slip further and further. I'm going through school, but coasting. I don't have a passion for learning anymore. I don't try anymore. I wish I still tried.

I'm making a resolution. I'm going to start writing. And I'm going to start thinking. And I'm going to be a passionate person again.

... And I'm going to figure out whether or not I'm happy, because I'm tired of debating it back and forth. I think that if I'm doubting so intensely, there's no way this can be right.

I think I'm going to continuously update this.

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 06:21:06 GMT

Blessings
1. I go to a university that costs more than some people's annual income.
2. I have a boy who loves me very very much.
3. I know what real love is.
4. I'm generally healthy(as long as I don't give myself an ulcer)
5. I have some very nice things.
6. I am free to make my own decisions.
7. I have the world's most adorable car.
8. I'm cute(call me shallow, but I like being told how cute I am sometimes).
9. I'm the "skinny bitch" of my quad. They keep telling me this is a good thing but it just makes me uncomfortable.
10. I have faith.
11. I can do and achieve anything I set my mind to.
12. I know what I like.
13. I know that no matter what happens with my family, they would be there for me in an instant.
14. I survived a terrifying near death experience.
15. I have some really great friends.
16. I'm studying something I love.
17. I know myself
18. I understand other people.
19. I'm a good listener(mostly)
20. I'm comfortable being absolutely ridiculous and zany.
21. I'm never afraid to speak my mind.
22. I make people laugh when they're unhappy.
23. I can fall asleep anywhere
24. I know what it is to genuinely care and be cared for
25. I get kisses when I wake up.
26. My family values and appreciates me.

2007

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 18:09:03 GMT

January
Awful, disgusting breakup with an awful, disgusting person.
Getting back to school and trying my hardest to avoid him. Gross.

February
The start of something great-- a wedding with the most amazing guy I know, and it could not have come at a better time.

March
Falling back into the same old traps, and knowing that it's stupid. Then having it fall through and being upset.
Coming home to someone who's caught me everytime I've fallen this year.
St. Patty's with 2 of my favorite people and being utterly ridic.
Hating Scranton

April
Indecisive. Mono. Confused. Hating life.
Starting to actually care about my grades instead of wasting my time at school.

May
Realizing I didn't want to leave my friends at all, I just wanted to get away from him.
Realizing how much I hate when he's around, and getting pissed that he won't leave me alone.
The start of the most amazing relationship in the universe<3

June
Bye-bye pre-med? Nursing?
Realizing how lucky I am.
Searching for my sister and never being so scared in my entire life.

July
Beginning of stupid appointments I dreaded.
Loving my life.
An amazing birthday where I was totally and completely smashed... but it was worth it.

August
Dreading leaving for school.
Watching the pieces fall together, and appreciating that.
The start of our ridiculous planning for something other than the next 3 weeks-- I've never been so nervous.
Homesick and crying.

September
Being grabbed and screamed at by a scary, angry, drunk man.
More being homesick.
Being scared that it would end.

October
Going crazy.
NAKED!! My favorite Halloween ever. <3

November
Awful car accident. Upside down. Saw God.
Stupid idiot who says the wrong things and makes up lies. Kind of the end of that.
Finally opening my mouth about things.

December
Hating finals.
Loving friends.
Hating the same person I started the year hating.
Loving my boyfriend more than anything.
Finally being with my friends<3

2007 took me through so much, but this year I really found myself. And that is a beautiful thing.

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 19:17:22 GMT

This journal is done.
I'm tired of giving people things to twist into ridiculous lies that make messes.

Just because you fight all the time, doesn't mean we do. We actually really love each other, and that's what works.
Stop fucking it up. I have enough real things to worry about.

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 05:24:18 GMT

Lessons I learned today:
Don't speed.
Wear your seatbelt.
Count your blessings.
Take your time.
Be patient.

and...

The world does not look cool upside down. It looks scary.

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 13:13:40 GMT

Soooo I drop my cell phone like every 30 seconds, and now I officially killed it.
It doesn't turn on at all, even after charging it.

I wish it broke a cool way, like dropping it in the toilet or something so I had a story to tell, but literally it slipped out of my hand and onto the sidewalk and then decided it hates me.

So uh, whatevs.

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 15:17:34 GMT

I love the way your hand always seems to find mine<3

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 19:37:19 GMT

I love my friends more than I will ever be able to explain.
I love whiskey sours.
I love the random shit that goes down at my house.
I love my birthday.
I love my life.

Birthdays are the greatestttttt<333

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 06:00:51 GMT

I'm 19. I'm in college, figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life, and really crazy about a boy who actually treats me well. I'm turning over a new leaf.

I've been so excited for my birthday because I'm hoping this year will be something great.

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 07:50:16 GMT

Explain to me why it is that a 15 year old girl thinks she can storm out of her friends house and go missing.

Oh yeah. cuz her friends love her enough to walk to her house, find her sister, and get her sister to go driving around looking for her with her boyfriend.
That's probably why.

Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if he hadnt been over tonight. I've never been so scared/angry before in my entire life.

Bored.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 23:33:16 GMT

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool...
7. When you're finished tag some other people to do it!

Opening Credits:
"Don't Leave Me"-All American Rejects

Waking Up:
"Breathing"-Yellowcard

First Day at School:
"Daysleeper"-Longwave this would be a good background to a walking down the hallway scene or something.

Falling in Love:
"Summer, Highland Falls" -Billy Joel <333 but not really a good one to fall in love with.

Fight Song:
"when it's on my mind"-Miracle of 86... bad one. boooooooo

Breaking Up:
"the shift change splits the streets"- Kevin Devine... decent.

Prom:
"I'm N Luv"- T Pain HAHAHAHA. I ammmm in love with a stripper. Veryyy true.

Prom night (if you know what I mean):
"About a girl"- Nirvana

Mental Breakdown:
"Jailhouse"- Sublime haha

Driving:
"Every Man Has a Molly"- Say Anything

Flashback:
"situations"- Jack Johnsons ... reallllly good one.

Getting Back Together:
"I won't Make You"- Something Corporate

Wedding:
"Ice Ice Baby"-Vanilla Ice... HAHAH wtfff???

Birth of Child:
"wait a minute"-Pussycat Dolls... my iTunes sucks. Stupid.

Final Battle:
"Man from Milwalkee"-Hanson. HAHA this is the worst movie ever.

Death Scene:
"To Make You feel My Love"-Billy Joel... aw that's so sad. This would make me cry.

Funeral Song:
"If Winter Ends"-Bright Eyes

End Credits:
"Get Busy"- Sean Paul ... YESSSSSS<333333333

I miss school :(

Wed, 30 May 2007 17:59:45 GMT

I'm happy and I'm being treated exactly how I've wanted, but somehow I'm still doubting. I really hope it goes away because I don't really enjoy this feeling that something's going to go horrificly wrong. It won't. He's not like other people I've dated. I know that. But somehow I'm still not quite sure that it's going to work because I have an incredible ability to fuck things up. Please don't let me fuck this one up. Please?

Wed, 16 May 2007 23:17:19 GMT

The best thing a girl could hear:

Me: "I don't know if I'll even get to medical school. Who knows if I'll even be a doctor."
Erica: "Yes you will. I can't see you being anything else."

Mon, 14 May 2007 01:08:52 GMT

5 days.
Excited does not even remotely do it justice.

Fri, 11 May 2007 15:35:38 GMT

Smile. Laugh.

Let go!

PS. My drunk self/alter ego needs a name. She keeps embarrassing me and I need someone to blame it on. Suggestions?

Wed, 09 May 2007 03:01:30 GMT

Hundreds of miles away and I'm still stuck.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 13:51:41 GMT

I have mono. Lovely. I "can't drink for 6 months". Yeahhh right buddy.
But I got an 84 on my chemistry test last week and I have another one this week and I can pull my grade up to a B. Which is so exciting I can't even explain. PLUS my professor smiled at me when he gave me the test back. I think he was proud of me.
Only 3 weeks and then I'm home for summer. I can't wait because Saturday night was really cute and I miss him a lot already.

So now I just have to sleep and study for the next few weeks. I think I can pull off good grades on my finals. Hopefully?

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 02:22:47 GMT

I'm too much. I really am.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 15:29:03 GMT

And the pinnacle of the past week of my stupid stupid stupid sickness: My stomach now refuses to hold down water.

Ain't life grand?

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 00:14:29 GMT

Just give me something. Anything.
Am I invisible?

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 17:46:45 GMT

We are history.
I don't know why, but it's just hit me that I'm living through such important things and I'm not even realizing it. There's a war going on. And we watched the Towers fall. And now we're living through the largest mass shooting.
It never really hits me right away. I get lost in my own life, my own business. But then when I pause to think, I realize how callous that is. It's cruel.
It's hard to imagine watching someone shooting on a college campus. Campus is supposed to be a safehaven. It's supposed to be where you learn, and you meet your best friends, and you grow up.
I can't imagine that being anyone I knew. The thought terrifies me.
But somehow I can't help but wonder if the shooter took the life of the girl who was supposed to be president, or the guy who was going to cure cancer. Maybe someone who died was supposed to change the world, and now they can't. Or maybe they've already completely changed the lives of many just by sharing a smile or a hug when someone's upset.
And then I remember their moms. I can't imagine what they must be going through.

Basically, it just hit me that someone who died could have been just like me. And maybe I'm still callous and self centered, but it made me feel terribly sad. I've gotten really good at distancing myself from the world, but then every now and then, I realize how impossible that really is. Because we're all living at the same time. We're all breathing the same air. We're all fighting for something. We're all going to change each other's lives.

There are only 6 degrees of seperation, but I still feel really distant.

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 23:25:30 GMT

I'm the same girl I was in 9th grade. I'm still ridiculously optimistic to a fault. I'm still boycrazy. I'm still anxious and overwhelmed and understimulated. I still laugh too loud and dance awkwardly and sing offkey because I think it's funny.

Sometimes you just need something to remind you that you're still the same. And that there's still hope. And that you're going to make it. The only difference is that now I'm learning how to do that myself.

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman.
... And I just quoted Britney Spears. But don't worry, I'm not about to shave my head. My hair's finally getting long again.

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 23:26:17 GMT

General statement: I suck at life.

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 21:43:43 GMT

I think I have a 6th sense for Irish boys.
It's getting kind of weird.

Oh well! I like 'em.

Note to self: When the room is spinning, stop drinking. It'll save you lots of headaches.